Allen's Brilliant Plan
by EmpyrealFantasy
Summary: [KandaAllen] Because Allen isn't gay.  «Quite Crackish»


Disclaimer: I no being owning teh lovliness.

PAIRING: Kanda x Allen (by the end… XD)

WARNINGS: Denial, abuse of italics, and clichéd storyline. Very clichéd. It has been done in many fandoms many times (my particular inspiration comes from a KKM fic)… but not in this one! And the world needs more KanAre.

Dedicated to the lovely sunshine-melodi for introducing me to this fandom and feeding my newest obsession.

* * *

**Allen's Brilliant Plan**

* * *

Allen Walked was not gay.

Was not!

"194. 195. 196. 197..."

Allen refused to believe it.

"198. 199. 200. 201. 202. 203..."

He went through his morning routine while trying his very best not to acknowledge the dream he had had the night before; he refused to think about how it had revolved around the mouth of a certain dark-haired exorcist. He refused to relish in the ghostly sensations that remained imprinted on his skin even an hour after waking in a cold sweat screaming his name and arching off the sheets…

The precarious equilibrium keeping Allen balanced on the chair was upset and sent Allen crashing to the floor, face bright red more in embarrassment than exertion. _Damnit_. He didn't want to think about it!

…But he did.

But he couldn't. _Wouldn't. _There was no possible way he was attracted to Yuu Kanda, of all people! Allen liked to think that even if he was attracted to men, _which he most certainly wasn't_, he would have better taste than to be interested in someone as bullheaded and utterly impossible as Kanda. It wasn't possible!

With a sigh, Allen shoved himself up and headed for the shower, intent on washing away the feelings that refused to stop running over his skin.

Because he wasn't gay!

"Ne, Yuu-chan, why aren't you listening to me? So the Akuma blew apart the front of the building, and then all these _naked women_ started running from it! It was a brothel!! Isn't that awesome, Yuu-chan?"

Allen knew Lavi was talking. When was Lavi _not_ talking, after all? On a normal day, Allen would be smiling happily and helping the redhead to deafen half the cafeteria with inane babble. But for some reason, Allen found himself unable to focus on the long strings of words falling out of his friend's mouth. Because currently, Allen found himself utterly unable to look away from the mouth of the man across from him.

Kanda was looking over paperwork of some kind, Allen supposed, and totally ignoring everything Lavi was saying. Even as he drew Mugen and jabbed its point millimeters away from the prattling redhead, Kanda's attention remained riveted on whatever he was reading, chopsticks blindly searching out his next bite.

Allen didn't understand why he couldn't look away. Kanda's lips moved slightly as he read, silently mouthing the words he was reading. Occasionally his tongue would dart out to wet those lips, sometimes another piece of tempura would find its way to his mouth. Allen watched every nuance with a rapt fascination, even managing to forget his meal in favor of watching those thin, pale lips.

It was this rare occurrence that called the attention of the boisterous redhead and caused him to jolt Allen out of his trance.

"Allen? What's wrong?"

The attention of their entire group had turned to the youngest exorcist now. "Ah, nothing guys. I'm fine, really." Allen felt his face heating up under the attention, a wide sheepish grin spreading over his face.

"You aren't eating!" Linali cried from Lavi's other side, leaning over him to peer at Allen, "Do you need to see a nurse? If something is wrong…"

"N-no! Nothing's wrong guys…" Allen laughed and forcibly banished all his previous thoughts and concentrated on his meal. He was just tired, he reasoned, because there was no other reason he could think of that would make him spend such an inordinate amount of time studying Kanda. None. Never.

Because Allen. Did. Not. Like. Men… Period!

* * *

"Day after tomorrow and you four will be setting out for…"

Allen listened to Koumi give the mission details with rapt attention, making sure to absorb every word coming out of his mouth. Allen listened because he was afraid that if he didn't listen, he would instead pay attention to Kanda, who was standing disconcertingly close to him on his left. Never mind that Linali was just as close to him on his right… she didn't bother him in the slightest. It was Kanda's far-too-close presence that was throwing him off.

Not that he was liked men or anything. Because, as has been established, _he didn't_.

"So be ready to go!" Koumi's voice suddenly brought Allen back to his task of _not_ thinking about Kanda

Allen darted forward to walk alongside a laughing Lavi, grinning and participating in the story the redhead was currently regaining him with. Then it happened.

Allen would never understand how. One moment he was talking with Lavi, the next minute Linali was storming by in such a fury that her Innocence had activated and was kicking up whirlwinds, then Allen was falling… falling… right onto Kanda. This might not have been so bad, really…

Except that their lips had connected.

Allen wants to reiterate at this point in the narration that he does _not_ like men.

But in that moment he nearly swooned as he realized Kanda's lips were just as soft as he'd thought they'd be. If he'd thought of them. Which he hadn't.

Much.

It was only a split second, and then Allen was leaping away with his eyes taking up half his face and a murderous aura radiating around the Japanese boy he had just fallen onto. Lavi was laughing, Linali was apologizing…

It was chaos.

And Allen? Allen _ran_. He ran and he didn't stop until he was already falling into his own bedroom and locking the door behind him, his breathing erratic and refusing to calm down. What had just happened?! He had… Allen paused and groaned, burying his face in his hands. He had just kissed Yuu Kanda. And for a bare moment before reality had caught up with him, he had _liked it_.

But, well, he didn't like men. Right? He was a normal, average, every-day, straight, male… exorcist. Just like all the rest of them, right?

Then Allen paused and actually _thought_ about the other male exorcists. Perhaps that wasn't the best example. But he was just a normal male of his species, wasn't he? Because women were pretty and soft and…

Well, Kanda was prettier than most women _he'd_ ever seen, and there was a lot to say about the firm feel of his strong chest pressed against Allen's body, but that was besides the point.

Suddenly, Allen had a breakthrough. There was a very easy way to prove beyond a doubt that he was not gay. The fact that he had enjoyed the split-second kiss with Kanda was only because he had no experience whatsoever in kissing prior to that. Of course his first kiss would be wonderful! It was a shame, really, it had been with the stubborn, ill-tempered Kanda. Nonetheless, Allen knew that all he had to do was kiss the first woman he came across and everything would be fine. It was brilliant! He smashed a fist into his palm and nodded decisively.

Leaving his room at breakneck speed, Allen skidded around corners of Headquarters with one thought in mind. He had to find a woman and kiss her. It would solve all his problems! Now, the only thing left to do was search out one of the few women that inhabited the Tower. But, then, Allen wasn't particularly picky at the moment, and he was _sure_ it would be a simple endeavor.

When it was Miranda he stumbled across first, Allen didn't even pause to let her stutter out a greeting before he'd grabbed her and smashed their lips together. Had he been in his right mind, he might have sought out Linali and actually _asked_ to test his theory (that was, if he could get around his natural shyness to all things resembling sex), however, he was currently far from his right mind. So he kissed Miranda and prayed for _some_ kind of a spark.

She squeaked as he pulled away, her nearly puce blush looking painful, "A-A-Allen?"

"Sorry Miranda, had to see something, sorry!" he yelled, already dashing away. It hadn't worked. He'd felt nothing. Then again, maybe it was just Miranda? He didn't really _know_ her, after all, they were just acquaintances, really… so then, what female did he know?

Linali.

Allen changed his course towards Linali's rooms, jaw set grimly. This would have to work. He knew all the rest of the females in Headquarters even less than Miranda, so if Linali didn't work, Allen didn't know what he'd do. Scream, maybe. Run away into the night. Sob his worries to Timcanpy for hours…

There was Linali, hands on her hips and speaking rapidly to her brother about one thing or another. Long dark hair, pale skin, ample curves… Allen knew that if _that_ example of feminine beauty couldn't get to him, he was very, very screwed.

So he stopped behind her, tapped her on the shoulder until she turned around, grabbed her shoulders, and kissed her with everything he had.

It was nice, soft, and Linali really smelt very nicely… but Allen felt the crushing weight of realization fall upon him. Not even a stir of anything beyond appreciation. Allen wanted to sob. He broke the kiss and was aware of Linali staring dumbfounded at him as he stared blankly at the floor, but he just couldn't bring himself to care. He, apparently, didn't like women. How could that be?

"ALLEN?!" the white-haired exorcist's head whipped up to meet with the glowering rage that was Koumi, his entire body shaking, "How dare you attack my dear, sweet little…"

As his supervisor spoke, Allen decided that if he wasn't going to like women, he would _at least _choose someone better than Kanda. Because Kanda was cold and distant and monotone and infuriatingly reticent, and a beautiful mystery that drove Allen halfway _insane_… so he did the first thing he could think of and kissed Koumi.

It shut the man up, which was probably a good thing, but it told Allen nothing but that he was somehow turning out to be asexual. He broke the kiss and crumpled even as he darted away, shouting over his shoulder, "Sorry, sorry! I had to test something, don't kill me!" Allen found himself wiping his tongue on his sleeves as he ran from the gaping siblings, shuddering uncontrollably.

Lavi. Lavi was his last chance. Allen was determined as he ran towards the cafeteria, hoping Lavi was there for dinner. Allen was in luck for once, as he nearly ran Lavi over as the redhead was heading _to_ the cafeteria, single uncovered eye regarding Allen curiously.

"Beansprout? What's up?"

Allen was feeling strangely indifferent suddenly and sighed, "I have to see something. It's important."

"Go for it, Allen! What's on your mind?"

Allen took a deep breath and met Lavi's curious look with a resolute one before standing slightly up on his toes and pressing his lips to the other boy's. Allen didn't close his eyes and watched Lavi's eye widen comically before pulling away, unable to even summon a response beyond slumped shoulders.

"Allen? What… what was that about? I mean, you're a great kid and all, but I _totally_ don't…"

"I'm doomed."

Lavi paused his babbling to blink at Allen, "Wait, what?"

"Doomed! I'm doomed."

"Allen!" Lavi shouted, waving his hands in front of Allen's face, "What is wrong with you?"

"I don't know!" Allen wailed, taking a huge breath and looking pleadingly up at Lavi, "I keep thinking about Kanda and I don't want to think about Kanda because I'm not gay but I can't stop thinking about him and then I fell on him and _kissed_ him and it only made it worse so I ran and kissed Miranda and Linali but it didn't help and I'm _not gay_ because I kissed Koumi and now you but I still didn't feel anything and the only person I want is _Kanda_ and he's such a jerk…"

"Woah, woah, woah!" Lavi shouted, waving his hands emphatically.

In that moment, Yuu Kanda himself came storming around the corner, usual dark look on his face, and Allen had an epiphany. The only way to be sure one way or the other was to get it over with and kiss the pedantic jerk. So Allen did.

"Moyashi?"

Kanda barely got a moment to react before Allen marched toward him with his shoulders back and head held high and forcibly grabbed Kanda by the eartails. Allen yanked him down to him and kissed him for all he was worth.

As the surprised Kanda recovered, Allen was quite shocked when strong arms gripped his biceps and yanked him closer and the kiss was not only returned but taken control of. He was even more surprised to find himself making embarrassing noises in the back of his throat and melting into the embrace like some _girl_.

So when Koumi came charging down the hallway shouting for his death for touching his darling sister, it was not surprising that he was utterly ignored by both Kanda and Allen. When Linali arrived towing a shell-shocked Miranda behind her, Lavi began laughing as Kanda didn't bother to break the kiss and merely shoved Allen into the hallway wall. Allen thought he could die from sensation alone.

Allen decided that everything was alright after all. And surely he wasn't gay.

He just really, really liked Kanda. And maybe that wasn't so bad after all.


End file.
